| The ghost of what I thought was a good thing. |
[Oct. 21st, 2009|09:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lethargic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | t-shirt, Shontelle | ] |
You think...
How?
When?
Where?
Why?
Yet, inevitably, you don't have any of the answers.
It doesn't seem fair.
Its overwhelming.
Its hard to accept.
This wasn't part of the plan.
This isn't what I had hoped for.
What now?
Where's my stability?
Where's my faith?
Where's my support?
Where's my heart?
Those two lines, those two little pink lines have made it all disappear into nothingness. Into complete fear. Into an utter lack of control and understanding.
You think if only.
You take a few steps back, and think of all the wrong moves you took.
Continuously running through your mind, you play it back over and over.
You think of all the ways you could have prevented the situation.
You think of all the times you were told better.
Your intuition had reminded you more then once that what you were doing was unsafe... that it could have many consequences, some that you may not even remotely be prepared for. You were taught better, you were forewarned....yet in spite of everything you knew, understood, and put into practice..... you did it anyway. And all you have to blame is yourself, your lack of good judgment, and all the things you never took seriously.
Somehow, we all have this mindset that it will never ever happen to us. That were invincible, above all the repercussions and aftermaths.... that were smarter then to have our own choices slap us in the face and put us back into our place.
And then.. BAM! the unexpected, the big surprise, the unanticipated.....
Its like a chess game, you always had a choice of where to place your next piece, but you got ahead of yourself and took way too many chances. You've played before and had luck many times, but today is different and you went too far...and you know it. You've completely lost the game.
Funny the way life plays out.
What in the hell do I do now?
Where is my life leading me?
Is this the beginning or the end?
How can I do this?
How will I ever get through this?
My own life is in tatters. In rags. And I'm scared. |
|
|
| A Lifeless Passion. |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|09:52 pm] |
When we kissed... when my lips met yours.... when my mouth felt yours against mine......it was dead.
deprived of life
not endowed with life; inanimate
bereft of sensation; numb
lacking sensitivity of feeling; insensitive
incapable of being emotionally moved; unresponsive
no longer felt; ended; extinguished
no longer current or prevalent, as in effect, significance, or practice; obsolete
no longer functioning, operating, or productive: a dead motor; a dead battery.
not moving or circulating; stagnant; stale
without vitality, spirit, enthusiasm, or the like
lacking the customary activity; dull; inactive
complete; absolute
put out; extinguished: a dead cigarette.
without resilience or bounce
tasteless or flat |
|
|
| The truth be told, im lying.... when you see my face I hope it gives you hell. |
[Dec. 30th, 2008|08:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
I remember our late nights-- when we would stay on the phone or chatting on aim till 3 in the morning, and sometimes even later: just talking about the people we were and the ones we hoped to become. We discussed our favorite movies, our favorite colors and home cooked meals. From restaurants to actors, to bands, to pastimes.....we would talk about everything. From bad experiences to great times--- from our family to our childhood.... and how it all have made us who we are today. We talked about each others best attributes and lifted each others confidence levels higher and higher. I remember when my dad would get so upset when he caught me on the computer...... it first started out on myspace, with 4 different conversations going on within my inbox--- all from you. Then it slowly progressed. I remember calling your house for the first time. I have never been so nervous in my life. Asking to speak to you and then hearing your voice, you told me you hated the phone but agreed to speak to me on it. It was wonderful. I was so young.....15 years old and I had already fallen head over heels. It went uphill from there.... to flirting in the pool and splashing the water at each others faces to get one anothers attention, and telling our deepest darkest secrets. You were my best friend. Bus buddies, and lane buddies. We listened to each others music, and switched earphones even if neither of us were interested. I asked your opinions, and always looked forward to your hugs. I woke up in the morning looking forward to talking to you and thinking of new questions-- I wanted to know everything about you. I adored you-- and thought you were so handsome. You made me smile, you made me wanna look as good as I possibly could... you made life worth living.
There was nothing I wanted to change about you.... all I could think about was holding your hand and what it would be like to kiss you.
I remember when we first let our feelings be known.
I liked you so much-- and I couldn't believe you felt the same way. We were so completely different. Yet we were able to look past the obvious... the exterior....... and enjoy the true people inside-- the real us.
I remember hiding the truth from Timmy, because you were such good friends with him. Im sorry that our relationship also ruined yours with him. But i think he learned to accept it-- he was just scared of me getting hurt... but rightly so.
I remember our first kiss. I remember when you asked me out. I remember coming over to your house as your "official" girl friend.... because I had come over as a friend plenty of times before that. I remember our first date. I remember our first party together. I remember swim meets, football games, dances, and all the festivities we both secretly hated but enjoyed nonetheless. I remember doubles, and eating out after. I remember skipping school, and ditching practice.
I remember when I stayed the night....we just stayed up late watching what lies beneath and fell asleep on your couch. Your arms kept me safe, and i never slept so sound.
I remember your cologne.... Soul by Curve.
I remember our first anniversary, our first valentines day, our first Christmas and new years... and thanksgiving. The holidays were worth looking forward to when they were with you.
The thoughts of you never succumb, they never halt even after we've been apart for 7 months.
But I can't keep holding onto the good, I can't when the bad hurts so much.
I don't even know who you are any more. I don't know who you have become or who you will become. You have given me so much hell, you have given me so much grief, you have made me cry so many tears, you have broken my heart into millions of pieces.... its no longer whole-- its a gooey mess, nothing can mend it.
We have so many memories. So many times spent together. You were a huge part of my life. We have a history. 3 years. Its funny how after all the "1st" times, it got worse..... the second and third times aren't worth remembering. I try to concentrate on the good, because the bad were soooo bad.
I still can't believe it. Even after all this time. You have opened my eyes to the harsh realities of this world. You have changed me in so many ways..... some that are definitely not for the better.
I should have seen the REAL you from the start. I should have seen the red flags, the warning signs-- but your hazel eyes kept me from seeing the truth.
How the hell did I walk away ALIVE from all that? How am I still functioning today?
You were so angry. So impatient. So abusive. So hurtful.
You changed so much in the years we were together..... and now I don't even know you.
Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself "when did it all go wrong?", but the list goes on and on......... it may have always been wrong. But Love is blind, deaf, and dumb.... its catatonic--its vegetative. |
|
|
| Close to the 30 day mark..... i just couldnt delete it :/ |
[Dec. 29th, 2008|12:28 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
Every time the phone rang on Christmas Day I prayed it would be you.
I cried when the clock struck 12:00am the next day because the 26th had come and I never got to hear the voice I longed for. God, what I would have done just to know I was on your mind. I heard a system a few times-- I ran to the window each time thinking that somehow it was your truck.... that you were coming to drop off an amazing gift that would help me to forget and to forgive-- I would jump in your arms and we would---from then on--- never ask questions about the time spent apart but only look towards the future together.
Yes, I spend a lot of my time day dreaming. Hence, me--alone--in this chair at 1 in the morning.
I dont even know what I miss. I dont even know what exactly it is that I wish I had back. Im not even sure if what we had gave me happiness. But in my heart I know I will never find my hearts true desire.
I hate to think about you Kyle. Why don't the thoughts of you just stop? |
|
|
| Shame |
[Nov. 8th, 2008|01:37 pm] |
Arlington.....
in between Dallas and Fort Worth.
A place that college kids dream of.
From the club-- to the forth worth museums, to the Japanese Tea Gardens to the most amazing burger place ever--- Im much better off living here and meeting new people then staying in "im going fucking nowhere El Paso"-- so dont think for one moment your doing better then I am. Im making a god damn name for myself, living my life and grabbing every opportunity that comes my way. Im gonna be something, im gonna be making money-- im an independent woman. So shut the fuck up.
You think catching Stds--- pumping and dumping, selling pills, and drinking with people you know you dont give a fuck about is better then where I am?? Well your damn wrong. Your going to a fucking community college, living at home, and resulting to drugs to pay off a stupid car ticket. Your absolutely pathetic. Those girls dont care about you, there little whores who couldn't get any from someone that mattered to them----- in reality you were their last resort.... haha they dont have enough self respect to give themselves to somebody worthy. Poor you Kyle.
Dont try to make yourself feel better by raining on my parade. |
|
|
| Scars and Checkmarks |
[Nov. 7th, 2008|10:50 am] |
I wont be getting any replies from you, because your blocked. Just seeing your name in my inbox gives me the shakes.... I cant be talking to you, or trying to help you after you fucked around this summer after you pretended I never existed---- after our unhealthy relationship and all the things you have said and done to me... after moving on in a matter of weeks....... I cant come back Kyle. I have self respect.
I wrote this to you June 25th,
how can you tell me that i got rid of you?? when you pushed me away everyday, hoping i would hate you, leave you , and forget you......... dont you fucking dare tell me that.... how dare you......
you dont realize what you have done to me.
your replies are so short.... because there is nothing you can say to make it better.
quit. give up. you always do.
its what i expect of you.
you will throw me away again.
move on, make it easier for me now
THIS WAS YOUR REPLY:
I will not throw you away again. I will not let you go again. I will not give up......so dont expect it. I could do and say a lot more in person.
Kyle
And Yet: you did throw me away. You were not true to me. You did Give up. You did Fuck me over. and I DID EXPECT IT!!
Isn't it funny how much you really showed me. How funny it is to think I thought you could actually keep your word?? Your someone I never thought you could be. There are many reasons why I can't go back--- many reasons not to believe in you and many reasons to forget everything I possibly can. Read our messages--- see the difference between the things you said and the things you did. You wonder why I didn't take you back this summer? Beacuse I knew in my heart I loved you more then you could ever possibly love me and that you were capable of hurting me more then YOU will ever know. I would never ever do those things to you. FInd a girl like me, find a girl who loved you like I did, find a girl who could put up with your awful behavior and attitude. YOU WONT.
Maybe if you can change for the better you will be happy and find someone--- but for the person you have turned out to be I wish you the best of luck.
I love being able to write to you knowing you cant write back......... I felt invisible for months when I was with you--- now you know the feeling of going unnoticed. I told you everyday you were losing me and you laughed in my face and told me to get the fuck out of your way--- I looked deep into your eyes and found that the Boy I loved with my whole heart didnt have the capacity to love me the same way back.
I look at your face on my zune every night........ sometimes I find myself smiling--- thinking how much I loved to kiss you when you smiled, how I loved to lay down with your hand under my head, how I loved to keep my feet warm by putting them under yours, how I loved to admire you from afar...... I really Loved you. I thought you loved me too, I thought I was receiving the same feelings in return. But then reality kicks in--- and it really kicked my ass.
All the little dreams and hopes I had faded into faint scars that will forever be imprinted upon my heart. And I will always remember how. I will always remember who. I will always remember when. But I will never know why. |
|
|
| Replace him with her. |
[Nov. 6th, 2008|12:58 pm] |
Here you are, again, sitting at our place with him.
I can't believe that you would be so cold.
I know that you wanna be
With somebody new & that's cool with me.
But this right here is just so cold.
Didn't I give you all the things that I said I would.
Didn't I take you to the places that I said I would.
Didn't I give you the love that I said I would.
Tell me how could you go.
And give my love away [x6]
So cold.
How could you give him all the love that I gave you.
How could you show him all the things that I showed you.
How could you take him to the places that I took you.
So cold.
I'm hoping now my eyes deceive, cause this really can't be what I see.
I won't believe that you would be so cold.
The house we bought for you and I, where we made love is where he lies.
But this right here is just so cold.
Didn't I give you all the things that I said I would
Didn't I take you to all the places that I said I would
Didn't I give you the love that I said I would
Tell me how could you go
And give my love away [x6]
Tell me how could you go
And give my love away [x6]
Tell me how could you go... |
|
|
| I hope that slut who gave you head in the parking lot gave you herpes too. |
[Oct. 19th, 2008|05:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Throwdown | ] |
Its funny how you think you know someone when you really don't, and no matter what amount of time spent with them--- the truth is never revealed until the very end. I find it amazing how little a mirror can show about a person. The face is only an image in front of the soul...... and boy was that smile deceiving.
To think of all the times I said "have a good time," when you were doing something entirely different then I had been told.
To think of all the times you played me like a fool.
To think of all the times you used words to get me exactly where you wanted.
To all of the times you underestimated me.
To all the times I let you push me around like a pawn in a chess game.
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
I Hope That Losing Me Has Made Your Life A Living Hell. |
|
|
| Chicken Salad and Tomato Soup |
[Oct. 15th, 2008|12:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pensive | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Maps- Yeah yeah yeahs | ] |
My thoughts consist of only myself. Simply Me. Kathleen.
I feel free.
Im here, starting my life. Im grasping my dreams and risking fate.
This is the time of my life, and Im going to make the best of it.
Im in absolute control.
Its a beautiful thing. |
|
|
| Officially a G! |
[Aug. 15th, 2008|07:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | no doubt! | ] |
Got the first tattoo today!!
its beautiful... ill take pics tomorrow.
Its a phoenix wrapped around my leg/ankle/foot-- its also has protea flowers incorporated within.
Color.
4 hours.
No crying.
No screaming.
hahaha!
It represents my ability to overcome weakness, to stand up for myself-- and have the strength to move on and become who I am....
Yah-- im a new person.
Heres a big fuck you.
Thanks for the memories
Say a prayer but let the good times roll!
In case God doesn't show...
(Let the good times roll, let the good times roll)
And I want these words to make things right,
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life,
"Who does he think he is?"
If that's the worst you got,
Better put your fingers back to the keys!
One night and one more time,
Thanks for the memories,
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you only sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time,
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!
Been looking forward to the future,
When my eyesight is going bad,
And this crystal ball.
It's always cloudy except for, (Except for)
When you look into the past (look into the past),
One night stand... (one night stand off),
One night and one more time,
Thanks for the memories,
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you only sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time,
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!
They say I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms collecting page six lovers
Get me out of my mind and get you out of those clothes
I'm a liner away from getting you into the mood, whoa
One night and one more time,
Thanks for the memories,
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you but sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time,
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"!
One night and one more time (One more night, one more time),
Thanks for the memories,
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you but sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time (One more night, one more time),
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"! |
|
|
| Man Whore. |
[Aug. 13th, 2008|02:38 pm] |
I hope I to see you around kyle...... with herpes all over your mouth.
I hope I to see you around kyle...... itching the hell out of your ball sack.
I hope I to see you around kyle...... catching all kinds of STDS.
Humor me. Please. Humor me. |
|
|
| FUCK YOU. |
[Aug. 12th, 2008|11:39 pm] |
I feel stronger then ever.
God will reward me somehow.
I will be shown kindness and love.
I will have all I gave you and more.
I will have my prince charming.
Through all the struggles and experiences, there was a meaning behind it.
Im a good person--who deserves so much, and you were nothing of.
I will wake up to the man of my dreams.
I will go to bed smiling.
I will look into his eyes and know that he is a much better person.
I will be happy.
You were in my life... to make me stronger. To make me better. To make me realize that my heart is way too valuable to be given to a person like you.
Thank you. Thank you so much.... your choices, your actions.
You made me who I am today kyle.
A BETTER AND MUCH WISER GIRL!! |
|
|
| For Now. |
[Aug. 5th, 2008|01:58 pm] |
In this instant anyway...
Im glad you pushed me away. Im glad you let me slip through your fingers, and slowly let me go.
Without you I would not have been able to see the reality of how unhealthy it was....I would not have been able to see that I was far too good for you.... I would not have been able to see that you were never deserving....I would have not been able to see that we are not meant to be and that you without me is definitely for the better.
The truth is harsh but lies only spread into far worse things.
Us. For instance.
Opps. I mean Me and then You. |
|
|
| I see U 4 what u really R. |
[Aug. 4th, 2008|01:22 am] |
Somehow ..... I feel as if the most prominent of my memories are fading.
I cant quite picture you the same.
Your eyes have lost their depth.
Your smile has lost its meaning.
Your soul has lost its purity.
Your heart has lost its beat.
You without me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2008|12:52 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Pissed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Let me love you- Mario | ] |
Mistakes.
Mistakes.
Mistakes.
They will never succumb... even when were no longer together.
They will never halt..... even when I am no longer called yours.
The tears will never stop....
The pain will never become easier.....
With or without you.... Im still hurting. |
|
|
| The truths. |
[Jul. 19th, 2008|10:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | dashboard | ] |
Anger.
Thats the only emotion I feel lately.
Im literally wrapped up in hate.
Im bitter.
I expect the worse.
I shake my head in disappointment.
Fuck You.
Screaiming Infidelities
I'm missing your bed, I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
You're not alone and you're not discreet.
You make sure I know who's taking you home.
I'm reading your note over again,
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it:
"I'll love you always and forever"
As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
And sit alone and wonder, how you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone, making out.
I'm missing your laugh,
How did it break?
And when did your eyes
Begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
I am alone in my defeat
I wish I knew you were safely at home
I'm missing your bed, I never sleep.
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak.
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.
Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
And sit alone and wonder...
How you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone...
Making out
Your hair it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities and taking its wear.
Your hair it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities and taking its wear.
Your hair it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities and taking its wear.
Your hair it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities and taking its wear |
|
|
| lower case, upper case. |
[Jul. 17th, 2008|01:33 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  jealous | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | thunder | ] |
its official.
My talent to have (or give) full and open communication just shot me in the face. My honesty....my truthfulness just laid a big one on me. My means to always make things better just sent me flying down the stairs.
I literally hate myself sometimes. I wish I could just keep it in, just camly coincide with myself rather then screaming it out into the open because of the lack of control I have over my body.
I have to let it out, I hate holding things in... it seriously drives me nuts. Wanna ask how im doin?? ill tell you the truth, loud and clear. Should i probably lie?? yes, it would suit me well in the end.
But I cant help myself, I have to let you know exactly how I feel, I will tell you whats on my mind and why...... every minute detail, every unexplainable thought, and every emotion that came along..... yes you will know everything. I tell it how it is and why.
TOO BAD ITS NOT THE SAME WAY AROUND!!
So here I am blabbing away, spilling my heart out.... just to hear respones like okay... or thats fine, or ya i understand. HELLO!!!, im fucking opening doors... extending both arms... inviting you in... and giving you a warm welcome, YET all you say is...ummmm, thanks.
well fuck me huh?? now i look like the dumbass who said too much, when really you said nothing at all.
Could I get some help back?? can i find someone able to open their mouth, have a decent conversation, someone who can build a relationship, who can be honest, who can be truthful, who can be FUCKING REAL!!!!??
MOTHERfuckinHeLlihatEpEoplEwhoHiNdbehiNdtheirshAWDowsinFeArofbeingTruEtOthemSELVES. |
|
|
| yes third one tonight. |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|12:18 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Fuck it | ] |
"One day at a time."
Thats all I hear anymore, and yet with each new sunrise it gets harder and harder to wake up.
Fuck Love.
I dont want you back, i truly dont. Im so angry, i have so much to be upset about. I dont want to go back to anything we had.... anything. It wasnt worth staying in and its not worth going back to. Im a bright young girl, with dreams and aspirations. I dont need you. And i certainly dont want you.
You let me go. You pushed me away. I dont plan on coming back.
"Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours."
Plain and simple as that. I wont put up with it any longer, and ill never have to again....
I gave you everything I was. I want it all back, it deserves to be given to someone who appreciates it, someone who will take care of it. Someone who will take care of me.
so......Here is a big FUCK YOU!
for all those times I wish I could have said it, all the times I should have said it, and all the times you deserved worse.
ithinkireallyfuckinhateyou. |
|
|
| self explanatory. |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|12:12 am] |
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back.
I dont think I will ever want you back. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
pnkrckprincss00's journal